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For alternative humour check out -
http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/97/Jun/colostaa.html
http://www.ostomates.org/cgi-bin/yabb/YaBB.pl?board=jokes
For those with a more refined sense of humour here is B.O.S.S’s very own survival guide of medical jargon.
Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door of cafeteria
Bowel A letter like A.E.I.O.U
Caesarean section District in Rome
Cat scan Searching for kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic Sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
D&C Where Washington is
Diarrhea Journal of daily events
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker
Fibula A small lie
G.I. Series Soldiers' ball game
Hangnail Coathook
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labour pain Got hurt at work
Medical staff Doctor's cane
Morbid Higher offer
Nitrate Cheaper than day rate
Outpatient Person who had fainted
Pelvis Cousin of Elvis
Post operative Letter carrier
Protein Favoring young people
Rectum It almost killed him
Recovery room Place to do upholstery
Secretion Hiding anything
Seizure Roman emperor
Serology Study of knighthood
Tablet Small table
Terminal illness Sickness at airport
Tibia Country in North Africa
Tumor An extra pair
Urine Opposite of you're out
Varicose Located nearby
Finally, and most important of all, never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
However, if you really want to be serious, check out:
http://www.beatingbowelcancer.org/further_info/useful_terms.htm
Finally, thanks to Dave Barry for the following anecdote ...
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Manchester.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall
into the hands of our nation's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water,
only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug; then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but ... Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly
what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all
over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
Thanks to Dave sharing with BOSS those very painful experiences on Colonoscopies. After all, colonoscopies are no joke, but the comments given during examinations were quite humorous. The following are actual comments made by patients (predominately male) while colonoscopies were carried out -
· 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
· 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
· 'Can you hear me NOW?'
· 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
· 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
· 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
· 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
· 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
· 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
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